Fear itself

Fear is one of the many elements in the human mind. It has a special place in my heart like happiness, love because of what it truly is. Yes, fear always had the spot in my mind. I am not talking about being afraid of adventurous things. Like going on a roller coaster, or skydiving or maybe even ziplining hundreds of feet in the air. Not like people like Bilbo Baggins who would never want to experience adventures because of the life-threatening danger.

I am talking more about true fear, the fear of the mind. It is like a sharp blade. So sharp. If it can get to you, when it pierces you, it doesn’t feel good. I am talking about paranoia or creepiness. I can only learn to accept fear as part of myself. It can come in different ways. One thing for sure. It always closes in on you and leaves you with that feeling. The whole world has felt that feeling. The feeling of fear. But no matter what, you always have the ability to just let it out. It is such a delicate element. It can pierce you so well but it can also so easily be blocked.

As you are in a wide area in your mind of happy thoughts frolicking, a fog comes in. A dark, black fog. It is more and more hazy and so you see it gulp the happy thoughts as they slowly turn into your deepest fears only to become another part of the black fog. You see the darkness closing in on you. You try to reassure yourself. You think of all your fears. They come to you as a dark fog. The fog gets closer and closer to you, until you can see nothing but the darkness. You feel the fear in your own bones and every part of your body. In your mouth, in your arms.  You feel it engulfing you as you hear the word ‘suffer.’ That is what fear has always been to me. Just the shadows of what you don’t want to happen to you engulfing you and becoming this element of the human mind. It is always working in your head. It is always there. And until you can conquer it, you are always scared to see the fog.

What makes me feel scared? The things that get me most is the “what if” paranoia. What if a mad man got into our house? I could think of everything he could do. And the horrible voice, the unstable mind. All he can do is to kill. And he is looking for anyone inside. I am scared to get out of bed to look for and see if he is really there.  It comes to the one thing that makes fear truly powerful. How scary death can be. Death makes everyone scared. Very, very scared. Even some of the younger kids, their naive and young minds find ways to get out of this fear and believe that humans can live forever and cannot die.

Actually, it is the thought of someone around my age. When I was around five years old, I can’t remember his name but I always remember something odd about him. I always remembered him wearing a green full sleeve shirt. I met him at daycare but I never spent much time with him. I engaged once in a conversation with him and that is about it. But back to the subject. The thought of death can cause truly powerful fear. It can get to you sometimes. As the fog works its way around your mind, trapping you, you don’t want to move. In the real world outside of your mind, you find yourself unable to have a positive attitude. You just want to keep yourself in your own mind trying to fight the fears. That is what I find myself doing. I am not sure what writing about it makes me feel.

Fear is such a powerful weapon. Now that I think of it, some people even use it as a weapon. Take Batman for instance. He is powerful but the tool that he most uses and is most effective is the intimidation that he lets out to his targets. He lets them know that he is there. He lets them know that he is coming. They don’t know when. They don’t know where. But all they know is that they have to survive.

But fear can also be a gift. It lets you know when danger is upon you. It alerts you about your current situation or what could happen.

How do you counter fear? How do you conquer it? The way to conquer is instead of thinking it could happen, put down the cold hard facts that could make it completely impossible. You are scared of vampires. Just put down the fact that vampires don’t exist and why they don’t and what the world would be if they were. But there is one element that I don’t fully know how to conquer. The stuff that could possibly happen. And you don’t have many facts to counter. The ones that I am afraid of. Serial killers, robbers and so much more. And it is so scary because those people are actually real. And I still find myself hiding under my sheets most of the time. I guess that is all I can say. Fear is just that powerful.

4 thoughts on “Fear itself

  1. Very, very honest Viyan…”You are scared of vampires. Just put down the fact that vampires don’t exist and why they don’t and what the world would be if they were.” I like you…let’s see you talk to us about the mind…come on…what is the mind?

  2. Viyan,

    I like the metaphor about the fog moving in. It really captures how one fearful thought can cross my mind, and if I am not paying attention, many fearful thoughts can join it and hide my other thoughts and happy feelings.

    How to conquer the fear of something bad happening? Someone told me a long time ago that the way to get rid of recurring nightmares is to imagine a happy ending to the story. When I was a kid I used to have nightmares about falling from a great height, and once I imagined falling and being caught by a big parachute like firefighters use when someone needs to escape a burning building, that was a great way to end the nightmare. (As a kid, it sounded really fun to jump out a window into a parachute.)

    With the intruder kind of nightmares, I imagine myself as a really clever and courageous person, who can outwit any intruder. If I am not feeling clever or courageous, I imagine someone else finding the intruder before me, who can rescue me. That kind of imagination while I am awake usually cuts off any recurrence of the nightmare… Or sometimes after I imagine a different ending to the nightmare while I am actually awake, then I will dream the beginning of the nightmare again, but my dream picks up on my earlier imagination, and the dream ends happily.

    And you have a dog, right? If there really was an intruder in your house, wouldn’t the dog hear him and start to bark? I find it really reassuring to sleep with my dog nearby, because I trust her to hear any real intruders before I do.

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